When HD is Not Your Friend

As promised in our intro post yesterday, you-our faithful readers-, can take comfort in knowing that you can always turn to us for the deepest and most captivating analysis in the world of sports. We waste no time in delivering on said promise as we proudly bring you:

The 5 Ugliest Players in the NBA:

5. Yao Ming

Ok so maybe it's not fair to put a guy who is 310 pounds on our list but at 7 feet 6 inches tall he is actually sort of in proportion. So it's not his freakishly ginormous body we are mocking

It is his face with which we take issue

And it's not just that his jaw is wide enough to swallow a monter truck tire, or that his head is big enough to dam the Yangtze River, really what gets us is that punk nasty underbeard

Can you all see that? The mans got Osama Bin Laden's leg hair growing under (not on, above, or around) just UNDER that jackhammer of a chin. Nasty.

4. Scot Pollard

Scot L. Pollard was born to a nice LDS family in Murray, Utah. Scot, who showed signs of promise at an early age, got us thinking about another young LDS phenom from Murray; namely, David Archuleta. The soft spoken 15 year old has taken American Idolites everywhere by storm the past few weeks so since they share so much in common we thought we'd give you a glimpse of what David's future may look like.

Like David, Scot once had a nice clean-cut look

But he suddenly, unexplicably turned into this

David, we wish better for you.

3. Sam Cassell

Do you remeber in 6th grade science class learning about how the human eyes are located directly in the middle of the head? You know, how they are allegedly the same distance from the top of your head as they are from your chin. Yeah, well we never really believed that. But then we saw this man

Now Megan always mentions that she thinks he looks like an alien. And that analysis is certainly not to be disputed, but after watching Sportscenter tonight Tyler concluded that perhaps Sam more closely resembles another mythical character with which we are all familiar

Do you think it creeps Sam's wife out when he calls her "My Precious"? Just food for thought.

2. Chris Kaman

Chris really put us in a tough position here at the number 2 spot. We were torn when we had to decide which direction to go with Chris. See traditionaly, and understandably, we have gone with the "Caveman" Kaman approach

Chris's long stringy hair and uncharacteristicly prehistoric face made this comparison an obvious choice. But after further review we have conlcuded that a better comparsion can be found from as recently as 1985

Hey ref, he's not complainng about the call, he's just asking for a

Baaaaabbbbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Ruuuuuuuuuuutttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhh

1. Pau Gasol

We are sure that Pau has a biograghy that is easily researchable and reasonably accurate somewhere on the internet. However, for this post we reject whatever reality that history has to offer and replace it with our own.

As a young man growing up in the foothills of southern Spain, Pau had a unique dream in life. He longed more than anything to become the worlds first 7 foot tall Spanish lumberjack.

Unfortunately he was denied entry into the Spanish Lumberjacks workers union for having size 26 feet which made the union workers feel, well, a little inadequate around their wives (wink wink). He sadly was forced to play professional basketball for 15 years in order to pursue his other lifelong dream of narrating primate documentries for Spain's Animal Planet and impersonating orangutans at the Madrid Zoo.

Maybe Darwin was on to something after all.